Yesterday was our ninth wedding anniversary. And we didn’t celebrate. We didn’t get a babysitter. We didn’t sneak away. I don’t even remember if we ate dinner together last night. Wait. Nope. We didn’t. I took the girls to sign up for cheerleading for the first time, which prompted an inner mommy freak-out (because I don’t cheer) classically followed by a run through the Dairy Queen drive-thru for blizzards to make it all better, and he slept. He sleeps a lot. Because he’s home from work with back pain. Again.
We had plans to try and squeeze in a lunch or even a movie while the girls were at school, but I forgot I was attending a conference that week and it overlapped onto our anniversary. And then I heard last-minute cheer mini camp and sign-up day was on Thursday night. There you have it. The day is gone. He probably wouldn’t have made it through the movie because two hours of sitting requires pain medication and said medication knocks him out. But still. We planned to celebrate.
And so this morning I knew it was a day past our anniversary and I knew The Anniversary We Did Nothing was set in stone, much like The Birthday He Forgot. The schedule couldn’t have shifted any other way. The back pain would’ve taken him down, regardless. But I woke up in full pout anyway. I scolded the girls for waking me with requests for their ipads they hoped I charged last night. Excuse? Get a job. Then I scolded Phil for siding with them, sent them to school, and went back to bed. Pout, pout, pout.
Yes, I had tons to do and refused to show up to adulting today. The laundry is still clean and still overflowing from one laundry basket because the other basket is full of art supplies. Please tell me I don’t need to explain.
I could blame it on the full moon, the three weeks my arm was hurt (see: big mama on roller skates), the massive amount of toys that haunt me in my sleep, the fact that my husband is always home, or the time I fell over the handlebars on my bike and skinned the palms of my hands when I was seven. But it was me. It was ALL me. I should all over myself. (I ain’t gonna lie- stole that from Jonathan Pokluda.)
He should have made me feel special. He should have planned the day himself. He should have had a backup plan. He should have bought me flowers. He should have at least scraped at the very bottom of the barrel and written on my facebook wall- hello, it’s free, gushing enough about how amazingly blessed he is to have me so that nobody likes his post because it’s too disgustingly true. Yeah, he should have. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so grumpy right now. I should all over myself and my husband and my children.
Yup. I’m stupid and selfish. So please know when I write hashtag livingmarriage and raise the roof with my emojis about a Godly, rocking hard marriage, that I’m dumb. And I’d like that out there from the beginning of our relationship so that you know that I know and no one doesn’t not know. I’m an idiot chock-full of poor reactions to unmet expectations. And I apologize, a lot.
So even though I apologized to three sweet faces today, I figure it is only fitting to apologize here too- hello, it’s free. Dear Lord and Phil and the girls, please forgive me for being so self-centered and ridiculous. Please forgive me for not controlling my reactions and for punishing my family. Please forgive me for failing you daily and thank you for your grace. Amen.
We ended up flipping through our wedding scrapbook for probably the third time ever just now and I will lay my head down next to his in a few minutes after nine years of marriage. And that is enough celebration for me. Happy Anniversary, my love.
“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12
See the following scripture for a complete list of what I did not do well today:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perserveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7